I’m missing Choptober and it feels bad.

I think we can skip the part where I talk about how Choptober is a cornerstone event. I can also probably skip the part where I share all of the development (mentally, skills-ally) I gained at Choptober. Hell, if you’ve stayed along for this ride, you know it’s a big deal, for me.

But this year, things just didn’t pan out. I want to explain why.

You see, I have friends outside of axe throwing. I know, I know, stunning to read — but true! And these friends are, as you may have very well put together, my D&D friends. We’ve been playing for about a decade or so, and we have rich, completely full lives together despite not involving axes at all.

Well, we plan our PA Renn Faire visit each year around Choptober time. And each and every year, I have to decide between walking around the faire for a few hours, eating baked potatoes and buying overly-expensive nonsense OR going to Choptober, eating hot dogs and buying overly-expensive nonsense.

For the past 2 years, I’ve chosen Choptober. But this time around, I felt guilty for not participating in this big friend-group event. So I made the call. I decided to surrender the weekend so I would be free for turkey legs and frivolity.

But deep in my little, badgery heart, I feel like I’m letting someone down. Or something down? I feel like I’m missing that cornerstone of the axe throwing calendar, and the feeling is only getting worse as the weekend approaches.

Now, there’s still a possibility – however slim – that I’ll just show up on Saturday to say hi to people, snap a few picky-pics, and maybe do an interview or something. It’s only Philly, a 2 hour-tops drive. But even that effort feels like a shell of actually doing the whole weekend, you know?

FOMO or FOME

I don’t typically get this oft-discussed feeling: the fear of missing out. The “we as axe throwers need to be at every axe throwing event, and if we’re not then we’re messing up” sensation. But boy howdy, I’m feeling it in a big way. I kinda hate that I’m feeling like I’m missing something big, but I also hate that I am feeling anything about it at all. Does that make any sense?

Like, hanging out with friends outside of axe throwing — hell, doing anything outside of axe throwing is important. There is more to life! But I can’t help weighing my choice against what could have been, even knowing that the cost (in time and money) to do a big ol’ axe tournament is so much higher than a little trip to ye olde renne faireee.

And like, I like going to the Renn Faire. It reminds me of my childhood, watching my old man trod the stage and all that business — but I can’t shake it.

In an ideal world, I’d be able to do both things. In a perfect world I’d have time for more axe throwing adventures alongside friend stuff alongside everything else. But it’s not an ideal world, is it?

Oh. I just figured something out. Right this minute. Why it feels so bad. It’s the same reason that missing the Renn faire thing with my friends felt very bad in the past:

The threat of impermanence.

Everything is here until it isn’t.

Axe throwing is struggling. Places are shutting down; confidence in the IATF and in the longevity of this sport is at an all time low. I think the fear I’m experiencing – the anxious sort of “I should be doing this”-ness of it, is because I can’t be certain of what the world is gonna look like at this time next year. What if this is the last time? What if everything goes away?

Sure, that could be said about anything. But I think there’s a real…I dunno…finality to a lot of events/traditions/experiences right now. And it’s emotionally exhausting to balance all of that potential finality with the enjoyment of right now.

God, I’ve really lost the plot on this post. I know I typically end these with some sort of weak-willed “and that’s why XYZ” kinda thing, but it seems disingenuous, at this point.

I’m gonna miss Choptober this year, I don’t feel great about it, and I’m spiraling into a wider questioning about my own reactions around the impermanence of place and joy in life.

So that’s where I am, as a person. Have a great Thursday!