The freedom of an eff it league

I’m having a downturn, dear reader. I’m having a struggle.

It should come as no surprise to you that I’m not a very good axe thrower. I talk about it enough, certainly, and if you’ve ever bore witness to my throwing in person, you’re well aware that I’m more of a vibes thrower than a serious competitor.

Even so, my performance in my soon-to-be-wrapped up VVolfheim Premier league is dismal:

I kinda figured out around week 4 that I was doomed. I wasn’t hitting my bulls, I certainly wasn’t hitting my clutches, and for whatever reason, I just wasn’t feeling it. Like, the entire thing. I didn’t care how I was throwing, and I went to league night — and I mean this — just to get ice cream from the local shop nearby. And, in part, for the conversations during our 20 minute car pool to Artifice.

In all regards, I should be pretty frustrated with myself. I should maybe even be concerned. I should analyze what’s going on, why I can’t get myself back into a competitor mindset. All that shit.

But, instead, I just decided to go with it.

From week 4 on, I just kinda show up, goof around, eat some tasty sugar milk and then go home.

A break without quitting

It really feels like I’m just taking a break. Like I’ve decided to skip a league without skipping a league. And that kinda…I dunno…internal breathing room(?) feels really good.

I’m not going to wrap this up in a little, life-lesson bow. I’m not at all saying every single one of you should pay real money to just goof around for one league. But I will suggest that, should you find yourself in a situation where you aren’t performing your best and it doesn’t appear like you’ll bring yourself back to where you typically perform, maybe just have fun? Accept how you’re throwing and find the joy in it.

I know I’ve written about this before — the acceptance of not doing great — but it feels a little different this time. I’m not hopeful about accepting where I am and that acceptance pushing me back towards high performance. I’m talking about using the opportunity of under performance to, instead, focus on enjoying the activity of axe throwing.

I’m doing better in my Drunken Smithy league (it’s a Standard league, too, which helps). I’m still excited to throw axes in general. But I had a real moment of “Premier sucks, this league is horrible, and I’m a failure” for maybe one night during this Artifice league, and it felt bad. Fortunately, my noodle-y brain presented me with the option of just enjoying the experience and not caring about stats/achievements/anything else. I took that option, and it feels very liberating.

So, anyway, all of this to say: I’m having a real eff-it league this time around, and it’s a delight.