The Next Three Throwing Axe Evolutions

We at Axe Badger Central Command have been hard at work expanding our internal department operations. Yes, the Axe Badger dept. of Romance gets the highest amount of budget due to the resources necessary for Throwingtimes cards — and lots of time goes toward the Dept. of Axepirations.

But all of these departments are a cover. A ruse. A way of getting big axe off our backs so we can work on what really matters: developing a complex, impossible-to-explain-so-why-even-try device to peer into the future. To place bets on world events? To change the course of human history? No.
NO.
It only works if it’s revealing what’s going to happen in axe throwing within the next 10 years. it’s so specialized, dear reader.

So far, this effort has yielded very few results. Sure, we were able to foresee the cultural impact of chipwiches, but really, I mean, that didn’t help anything.

Well, the Axe Badger Dept. of Axeracular (like oracular? Axeracular? get it? is that anything?) visions has finally figured out how to translate the voices coming from the howling abyss that is the future of axe throwing, and we’ve come back with a real treat: where throwing axe design is going.

history

It helps to know where we’re starting from, and how those whispers from the past help shout out the future.

I’d like to start by sharing, perhaps, two of the most typical throwing axes. The generics. The universals:

The ShoPro and the Axe Gang:

I mean. They are axes. The most generic looking hatchets around. Here’s a little secret: these lil’ guys are the reason we call it axe throwing.

But as the sport grew and changed, we started getting our hands on hatchets that were custom built for throwing.

AND THE FIRST OF THE PROPHECIES COMES TO PASS.

throwing specific axes

We’re still in the realm of axes, at this point. But the width of the axe bit becomes thinner, the handles more favorable to leaving the hand rather than staying put. These are your Flying Foxes. Your Queens of Heartses. And while they are what we use now, I am here (from the future), to tell you that we don’t stop, here.

Progress refuses to wait. And it’s ever drawing closer. I would like to reveal to you our next advancement in axe throwing:

2028: the shovelpro 2.0

Try to collect yourself. Breathe.

So this looks fairly familiar, at this point. We can make out the handle, the axe head. But rather than have the handle be perpendicular to the head, it comes out from the back – like a cool rat tail or a shovel handle. Point in fact, if not for the basically-an-axe-head-now axe, this could be a bad shovel.

But it’s not.

It’s a completely unique idea and very good, actually.

This future throwing axe is called the ShovelPro 2.0, and it revolutionizes the sport. People get 81s so quickly that there’s an international 81 shortage that drives the great clutch depression of 2028. Thousands take up disc golf just to get by.

But that’s not the end of it. No, dear reader. we go further.

2030: spearpro 2.5

Eventually, the axe head modifies to be more throwing specific. Conical, in fact. The handle ergonomics become more important, as does in-flight stabilization. Axe throwers want something that they can throw in a spiral (rather than an rotation), and so the Spearpro is born:

Still coming in at 1.5-2.25 pounds, the Spearpro 5is kind of like a spear and arrow all put together. Targets get smaller. Instead of tapping axes to start rounds, throwers slap fins. Accidental impalement in the sport go up 247%.

2035: the final vision

I think you could predict the final development we saw in our future-o-matic viewer. The future of axe throwing is more compact equipment. Throwers want something more purpose-built for flying through the air. Something that is accurate and well balanced.

Behold your fate:

Oh.

Oh I see.

Welp.

(Somehow, it still weighs 2 pounds.)