Tuesday Top Tip: Be A Little Goblin Sometimes

There’s a lot of drama here in the axe world right now. People getting frustrated at the IATF. People giving the side-eye to throwers who defer. People talking mad trash when throwers celebrate too much.

But here’s a top tip from me to you, dear reader: don’t get grumpy.

Get

Goblin-y.

Now, you may ask (if, mercifully, you’ve somehow avoided the resurgence of goblin-core in your algos) “badger, what does ‘get goblin-y’ even mean?” Well, let’s find out together.

Embrace Your Axe Goblin Persona

The axe goblin persona (axgobsona) doesn’t take much. Chances are you already have quite a few personality traits that fit right in. But let’s say, for the sake of argument, that you’re starting from zero.

The key to embracing your axgobsona is choosing chaos instead of anger or wittiness. You don’t need to feel the bad feels when you’re frustrated with yourself or others. Never again will you fear the pressure of saying the perfect one-liner during a match as a spectator. No, you’re something different now. Something better. Something more…creaturesque.

When an opponent decides to stay down for their last throw — instead of rolling your eyes or feeling that rush of “ugh, sportsmanship something something,” you need only bear your teeth at them and chitter. Maybe even hunch your back and crab walk while doing it. Establish that your opponent may do whatever they like, but they’re doing it to something that dances naked in the moonlight and refuses to understand why eating grubs is ever a bad thing.

Likewise, if you decide to stay down on the last throw, you needn’t feel ashamed or like you’re without honor. What’s honor to a goblin? Point down with both hands and yip. Yip loudly. Make an incomprehensible noise that tells your opponent “yes, I’m going for points. And no, I don’t at all care about how you feel about it.”

Promote axe goblin behavior through your actions

I’m not talking about being a jerkbag. Axegobsonas need to be strange and delightful, not strange and toxic. Here are a few strong examples:

• Stuck in a conversation you’d rather not be a part of (or just want to be doing something else)? Simply throw your hands in the air and babble, then walk off.
• Feeling lonesome and separate from the overall vibes of the group? Talk to your axes, loudly, about the “red water.”
• Eat things people leave around.
• If you start to feel those negative emotions creeping up on you due to your own throwing performance, go outside and dig a hole. Sit in that hole. Let the earth absorb those feelings until you’re better. Refuse to explain anything.
• When someone gives you an axe sticker, eat it. Give them a pre-chewed sticker from your pocket, regardless of who that sticker belongs to.
• When you get a clutch, ask your opponent to get your axe out of the board because “it’s too high up there.” Say this regardless of how tall you are.

Why being a little goblin works

Huh.

Well, um.

Listen: The reason being a little goblin sometimes works in axe throwing is becau…

There’s….hmm…you gotta not feel like…bad emotions?

There’s grump and then theres…goblins?