We all remember the gnashing of teeth and rending of clothes stemming from the IATF making changes to axe requirements a while back. Likewise we remember, collectively, how the skies darkened with the sorrow of all throwers when WATL [[fill in something here. I know almost nothing about WATL. Something with targets? Where you stand? A new pro league? Just imagine it was funny and topical. Thx.]].
Yes, yes we all remember those things. Which were...
...bad.
But one of the most obvious frustrations in axe throwing is, and forever will be: when is the next controversy coming, and how can we prepare to be outraged/amazed/confused by it?
Worry not. Using a dark magic made available to me by a signed pact with Clutchy, I gazed into the unknowable, and return with these three predictions for the coming year. Plan accordingly.
CONTROVERSY PREDICTION 1: NEW IATF RULESET INCLUDES LOYALTY PLEDGE
In the distant future...let's say October, the IATF will release a new ruleset that doesn't combine the Standard/Premier leagues, nor include any additional restrictions on axes, but does require all throwers, before each match, to turn to a picture of the IATF logo, put their axes over their hearts, and declare:
All hail the Federation. Mighty and perfect. All marvel at its power and majesty. May our blades chip and shatter before we complain, relentlessly, about even the most minor changes to this very serious sport.
This will, of course, create several offshoot axe throwing organizations including the N(t)IATFF (Not (the) International Axe Throwing Federation Federation), CHOP (Confederation of Huckers on Pine) and PREMIER (People Responsibly Excluding Many Inferior, Excruciating Rules).
CONTROVERSY PREDICTION 2: WATL WILL ADD 45 MORE KILLSHOTS TO THE TARGET, BUT ONLY ONE ACTUALLY COUNTS
In an effort to differentiate itself from other organizations, WATL will decide to just fuggin coat the target in killshots. BUT to assure that this decision doesn't make the game easier, only one of the killshots will actually be worth points.
While this is controversial enough, it will be revealed (in time) that the pointworthy killshot is decided by a single person, and that person doesn't even play WATL. It's just some guy in El Paso. Named George. He's a good sport about it, though.
CONTROVERSY PREDICTION 3: ELON MUSK WILL SEE AXE THROWING AS HIS NEXT BIG THING, BUYING ALL VENUES AND OPENING "aXe," A NEW AXE THROWING ORGANIZATION PROMISING TO HARNESS THE ENERGY OF AXES HITTING TARGETS AS A RENEWABLE ENERGY.
(After 6 months, all "aXe" houses will be closed, though diehard aXe fans will swear the move was "pure 4-D chess, bro. Trust me bro just wait you'll see, bro.")
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