IATC. The Wilson Cup. The big show. In just a few short months, The best of the very best will join together in Toronto to compete for the cash, the notoriety and yes--the right to say "this world may be a heaping pile of burning garbage, but for a brief, glimmering moment, I was the raccoon royalty atop this trash throne."
But for the other 206 of us, getting to the tippy top is an uphill struggle. And that struggle, dearest reader, can feel overwhelming. Hell, it can sap the joy of the whole ding-dang experience.
But worry not. Your pal Badger has determined a different game that can be played if you find yourself at IATC this June. Using an in-depth understanding of the human psyche and axe goblin vibes, I've curated a list of real, achievable goals for us, the 80-ish percent, so that while those fancy folx with their impeccable aim do whatever it is that makes them so good, we can do the things that make us great.
Though, before we get started and in the spirit of truth-in-absurdist-blogging, I feel as though I must admit something to each and every one of you: I have never gone to the IATC. This June will be my first time (probably as a thrower if the decline process for SO MANY PEOPLE at the mead hall works, but if not, as a reporter), so my suggestions here are based on nothing more than my own whimsical thinking. But hey, that little truth hasn't stopped any of you from reading this absolute nonsense before!
IATC ACHIEVEMENT ONE: DON'T CRY or CRY THE MOST
I'm not saying there's a right way or a wrong way to experience emotions at IATC. Well, that's not entirely true. If you're gonna rage out because you lost a game of throwing metal into wood, well, friend, then you're emoting in a poor way. But if you're feeling the need to rain on your own face, that's just fine. Emotions are fine.
But...but what if we could gamify it a lil' bit. Just for the lulz? (Also is that how I should write gamify or should it be game-ify. I mean I'd like to gamify something, because I have lovely gams. But back to the first of our IATC achievements.
If you're a natural crier, if it's as if everything you see is this commercial, then this achievement is for you: either try to fight the urge or, alternately, be the best damn crier at the entire tourney.
NOTE: I had every intention of linking the Sarah McLachlan ASPCA commercial but made myself cry when finding it online so I'm not. I'm not gonna.
ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED? CONGRATS, YOU'RE THE TOWN CRIER NOW (OR THE TOWN STATUE, ALSO CONGRATS).
IATC ACHIEVEMENT TWO: LOOK DIRECTLY AT THE LIVE STREAM AFTER EVERY THROW WITH ZERO EXPRESSION
This one is as much a test of memory as it is self-control. IF your match is streamed, and IF you can find the camera/phone doing the streaming, make it your hostage. Every. Single. Time. You. Throw.
Now, I won't tell you that the most compelling, confusing and terrifying thing to do is stare at that live stream with a look in your eye that says, "I might be a creature from the deep woods who wears the skin of people regularly, but boy this is whole thing is a first for me," but I think it'd do the trick.
The perk of this is obvious to me: either people will think that you're so locked into the game that you can't be shook, OR people will think that you are having some sort of fit, and offer you free poutine/beer/healthcare (which I realize isn't a huge thing for most of the world but I'm writing from the perspective of an American).
ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED? CONGRATS, YOU'VE EARNED THE CREEPY-WITHOUT-BEING-A-CREEP BADGE.
IATC ACHIEVEMENT THREE: EACH HOUR, ON THE HOUR, BECOME MORE AND MORE LIKE ANOTHER THROWER.
A few caveats to this one: it's best if you choose a thrower you know well. I don't think it's necessary to have that thrower know you--hell, it might be preferable that way. If you can choose during the tourney itself, but that'll be a harder way of going about it.
Start small. Wear the same color shirt. Say the same thing they just said, but a few seconds later. Then start building up the act: create facial hair that looks like theirs or put your hair in the same ponytail. Wear the exact same hat. Take on their mannerisms.
By the end of the first day, start referring to yourself as them. Seem confused when people ask what the hell you're doing, exactly. If you manage to get away with this for the entirety of the first day, you've made it.
ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED? YUP, YOU'VE EARNED "THE TWIN" BADGE.
IATC ACHIEVEMENT FOUR: CONVINCE ANYONE AT A BOOTH/SELLING MERCH THAT YOU NEED TO VERIFY THEIR TABLE MEETS IATF SPECS.
This one will take a clipboard, measuring tape, and an attitude that says "hey, I'm just doing my job."
A thing that could be said about the IATF, for better or for worse, is that they, as an organization, are making a concerted effort to quantify what is or isn't acceptable. And while there's a long way to go (again, not a criticism, it's just a lot of work), you can do your part to make sure everything is in order.
It doesn't really matter what you consider the points of inspection, just that they seem like they could almost be reasonable. That could mean measuring each leg of their fold-out table, or the thread count of a tablecloth they have, or the ratio between their height and the merchandise. Whatever. The important thing is to seem put out, but thorough.
ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED? CONGRATS: YOU'RE BASICALLY A SPY, NOW.
IATC ACHIEVEMENT FIVE: HIJACK THE MICROPHONE TO PLAY THE 1987 HIT "I WANNA DANCE WITH SOMEBODY" BY WHITNEY HOUSTON.
You only get this achievement if you manage to play at least 50% of the song. Naturally, this will cause SO MUCH trouble a la fair usage/rights, but hey, that's not your business. Your business is, as Houston said herself, to "Ahh, yeah, woo, hey yeah, haa, ooh yeah, ah-ha, yeah."
...I realize now that the opening lines from that song, when written out, read like a transcription of a robot having relations with a fellow robot, but here we are.
ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED? CONGRATS: YOU'RE EVERY WOMAN.
Alternately, just try to have fun and wave hello if you see me scampering about.
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