The Axe Badger is canceled

Honestly, it's inevitable.

At some point, whether it's tomorrow or 10 years from now (when axe throwing has been outlawed and I'm just running this site as some sort of performance art), I'm gonna make a big misstep. I'm going to have a hot take or use a phrase that is, absolutely, cancelable. But what will it be? What's going to be the boneheaded move that results in people marching on Axe Badger HQ and stop buying all my high-value merchandise?

I have a few thoughts.

The Axe Badger is canceled because it becomes obvious there is no fact checking.

I've been able to get away with it so far, but soon enough, one of you will realize that any claim I make on this site is absolute nonsense. I'll mess up somewhere along the line. I'll say an axe is made out of copper tubing or that the IATF has already released the app, and someone will call me out on it. This whole house of cards will come crashing down around me, the FCC will fine me into the ground, and I'll be left handing out little Axe Badger pamphlets because I won't be allowed on the internet anymore. As you all know, lying on the internet is illegal.

The Axe Badger is canceled because I end up selling an "axe wax" that's actually a high-power glue.

I've always imagined myself to be a bit of a snake-oil salesman. Point in fact, there are plenty of people in my history who'd agree that I'm a class A bullshitter. Put those two realities together, and you've got a guy, desperate to make some money, creating an iffy product for a targeted group of people.

I think, truthfully, this cancellation will be the hardest for future me to accept, as I will likely not understand how my Badger Wax turns into a highly sticky glue people need medical help to remove, but whether I understand or not, it'll be true.

Eventually, axe makers will find the "Badger Wax" useful for keeping heads on axe handles, but years later it'll be revealed the wax uses a chemical that causes your eyebrows to fall out. Sorry.

The Axe Badger is canceled because salacious photos break the internet.

Imagine me. A little, round, hairy man. Imagine a tiger print rug. Leather. A confused looking manatee in a tank nearby.

That's all. I just wanted you to imagine it. Thanks.

The Axe Badger is canceled because I become a scab.

The year, 2050. The IATF has grown to the point where it is a corporation made up of streaming services, lobbying groups, and a lifestyle brand. Axe throwers have unionized, but in an effort to remove discord, the IATF turns to fake news. Using armies of high-power lawyers, the IATF buys out any independent media to sing its praises.

The only independent news they managed to secure? The Axe Badger, of course, who folds on their morals for 6 IATF Bux, which amounts to about $2.99.

The Axe Badger is canceled because I create a kickstarter for "Badger's Kids" to send youths to axe-throwing summer camp, and I pocket all the money.

I think i won't do this intentionally to start. It's much more likely that I'll start the "Lil' Cubs Camp For Kids Who Wanna Throw Things" summer adventure camp and then forget that I hafta, you know, do stuff to make it actually happen. Then it'll be me releasing YouTube videos, trying to explain how a new motorcycle "helps the kids."

Or, you know, I'll burn everything I worked so hard on to the ground because I get weirdly political. Like, I start writing about how "big wood" is trying to destroy the axe throwing industry. Or how the markers we use to make targets causes brain slugs or something.