Yes, it's the sixth day of Clutchmiss, and that means only one thing: it's time to begin the traditional Clutchmiss games!
The Clutchmiss games, as I'm sure you remember from your grandparents telling you over Clutchmisses past, are a time for lighthearted competition, frivolity, and merry-making. So why not dust off your favorite holiday kilt, put on your clutchy mask, and get to it!
Clutchmiss activity 1: Clutchy dress up
In my axe venue growing up, there was perhaps nothing more fun than the collective activity of creating Ol' Saint Clutchy masks and wearing them to throw. Now, I'm sure you have your own traditions, but the one I like best is as follows:
Step 1: Get a paper plate and cut out mouth and eye holes. Bonus points if you use an axe to make the cuts.
Step 2: paint the plate green and don't forget to tape/glue on a straw with a cotton ball on the end to replicate the ever-burning cig of Clutchy!
Step 3: attach string loops to the plate on either side so you can wear it awkwardly on yer face. Then do that. Wear it on your face.
Step 3: Throw a festive game of "Clutchy's Revenge." This game is just like a regular match, but hitting anything Premier means you lose that number of points. And if you hit a clutch you have to shout "EXISTENCE IS SUFFERING!" for all to hear!
Clutchmiss activity 2: Axe-changing "gifts"
This is pretty straightforward, but I can't imagine Clutchmiss without it. The gift axe-change is (as I'm sure we ALL recall), switching axes with your fellow thrower before a match. Now, some crafty people out there might go ahead and bring their worst (but still legal) axe in an attempt to hand their competitor the worst possible option, but that's all part of the tradition!
Clutchmiss activity 3: The traditional drinking game
I almost feel silly including this one, but just in case there are a few people out there who haven't experienced it:
Take a drink whenever:
A thrower is clearly pissed off at a throw but holds it all inside them like a toot at synagogue.
The scorekeeper tells throwers to wait because they messed up/Axescores is stuck.
Someone shouts the name of one of the throwers right before they throw.
Someone misses 1 of 3 clutches.
An axe is dropped.
A match goes to big axe.
A axe venue visitor gets really, really excited about axe throwing and you just know in your heart you'll never see that person again.
You get called by your axe name in relation to anything that isn't axe-throwing related.
New thrower beats a veteran thrower.
Someone can't find their axes.
Clutchmiss activity 4: Marshmallow madness
This is a regional Clutchmiss activity, but it's so fun I feel it should be played everywhere. It's a simple, simple game:
Buy a bag of marshmallows (not those little hot chocolate ones. But like, smores-size ones). Try to sneak AS MANY AS YOU CAN into one person's axe bag (everyone playing chooses one other player's axe bag). Whoever has snuck the most into their target's axe bag by the end of the night WITHOUT GETTING CAUGHT wins!
This game can of course be played for prizes, but frankly I think the best prize is watching the mark discover 17 marshmallows in their axe bag, causing an immediate questioning of reality.
Clutchmiss activity 5: The appreciation circle
This one has fallen out of style in recent years, but honestly I think it should make a comeback.
Before every league match, take a moment to share what you appreciate about your fellow thrower and the scorekeeper. By the end of the night, you'll (typically) have handed out 8 compliments to people - and that's the reason for the season, no?
(In the case of Clutchmiss, it's not the reason for the season, but give me this little indulgence.)
Now, per the rules of Clutchmiss, you can't give out too many compliments, as that will bring the wrath of Ol' Saint Clutchy - so if you get the same opponent (unlikely) or the same scorekeeper (much more likely), make sure any subsequent "compliment" is backhanded. Just to keep things even.
Clutchmiss activity 6: Prank call the IATF
Now, I don't know IATF's number. And I'm a-hundo-p not suggesting you prank call people within the IATF. But what could wrap up a night of irresponsible drinking and huffing on wet paper-mask paint fumes than calling up the IATF on their non-existent phone line to ask them if their refrigerator is running? Or to get clarification because you heard CRS stood for "certainly really sexy" and you feel your ranking should be higher, given that definition.
Fortunately, I've been saving every prank call I've ever thought of for the day when the IATF gets a phone line. That'll be a sword day. A red day, indeed.
Let me know how your Clutchmiss activities go, and feel free to send me pictures of your celebrations!
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