New IATF Regions: It's All Wrong.

Now, I could start this post by going into a whole discussion about the concept of tribalism and how it is thought that humanity, due to our very nature, seeks out community identification. But this isn't a place for half-thought-out, socio-philosophic ranting. Well, at least not at the time of this writing (which is so early, dear reader. I had to go to the dump at 7 in the morning and the scent of all that rotting is clinging to my body. It's horrifying. Dear reader, please. Send me your Yankee candles).

So I'll put it bluntly: some of us are part of a new grouping, now, and we're gonna have to make the best of it as we can.

I put it that way, because, frankly, this was a golden opportunity for the IATF to add some vim to regions. Some style. Some demure, mindful meaning and power in how it names its regions in North America and beyond. So I guess that leaves it up to me, AGAIN, to fix IATF's mistakes.

boooooooooring.

As it stands, there are a few problems with this here regional breakdown:

1. Color choices are meh.

2. EUROPE IS TO THE EAST OF THE STATES, NOT THE WEST. GOSH IATF READ A BOOK.

3. HURON is the only cool name. The rest are just...I dunno...geographical markers.

Now, I won't be able to do much about the color choices, as it's too early for me to really dig into my application of artistic choice (MS Paint, of course), but I can take a sleepy stab at making the names cooler. Which I've done right here:

If you can't see it in the UPDATED, PERFECTED map, there:

NORTHWEST is now YETI COUNTRY because it sounds cooler.

SOUTHWEST is now OHTEXACALIZONATAH because the only other name I came up with was ANGLESTATES and that's not quite as absurd.

CENTRAL is now THE MIDDLEBITS for obvious reasons.

NORTHEAST is now BEYOND THE WALL because, honestly, the blue made me think of it, and because you know, cultural references from an old HBO series is sure to resonate.

HURON stays HURON. It's the only region that they nailed with the naming. I don't understand why it's a region (I'm sure there's a sound reason), but here we are.

EAST is now BADGERLANDS because I don't ask for much from the IATF, and I think, at a minimum, they could name an entire region after me. It's not asking much. Just one entire region for my own ego. That's all, sheesh.

SOUTHEAST is now WETLANDS because there ARE wetlands there, and also because everyone who lives there sweats all the time. It's kinda impressive how well I put that one together, no?

PACIFIC is now G'DAXE because I wanted to remind everyone of how obsessed the United States got with Crocodile Dundee in the 80's. Like, I think about it, now, and I don't get it. Why did we, as a nation, get Aussie fever? I think it's a fine place but if you're gonna have a region that lists one country, and THAT country in particular, let's be honest. Yer thinking G'day. You are.

EUROPEAN is now PIEROGILAND because I'm very hungry at the time of writing and it was the first thing I thought when I saw Poland. I'd destroy a plate of the 'roges right now.

Now, as far as the colors the IATF should have used for the map:

• NORTHWEST: Should be the color of a potato that looks like Dr. Frasier with a cowboy hat on.

• SOUTHWEST: Armadillo grey, but with a dash of Las Vegas regret.

• CENTRAL: Whatever the most popular cover of casserole dishes happens to be.

• NORTHEAST: Moose Brown

• HURON: Don't change a thing, little guy. I love you.

• EAST: A gif of me trying to eat a sloppy joe and failing.

• SOUTHEAST: Camo.

• PACIFIC: A dolphin high-fiving a koala. Is that a color? I guess gray, right?

• EUROPEAN: The color of a pierogi god I am so hungry please just someone bring me pasta-wrapped potato. please.

I assume that the IATF will realize how much they've messed up and have an update with these recommended changes coming out soon, but until that time, I guess we're stuck with what we've got.