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Writer's pictureMatthew Kabik

Marathon Leagues: The Best Worst Thing in the Sport of Axe Throwing



image of axe throwers at a marathon league
The lovely New Year's Day Marathon League

Marathon leagues, in spirit, are something that everyone who loves the sport should be into. They overcome some of the most annoying elements of league - I'm referring to, of course:

  • Only getting a handful of matches a week

  • Dealing with absences (both yours and potential opponents)

  • Having a set thing every week that you build your life around

  • The waxing and waining of your skillset between league nights

and that makes a marathon league very tempting. An entire day where all you do is hang out with your weird friends doing a niche sport the entire time.


But I've found, for myself at least, marathon leagues are really, really difficult to do anything with. And I know I'm in the minority here, but it's been on my mind since my last marathon league, and I wanna talk about it. And seeing as I'm the only person running this site, nobody told me I couldn't do that.


So, without anymore fanfare, here are the reasons I think marathon leagues are the best/worst thing in the sport of axe throwing.


BEST/WORST NUMBER ONE: MY BRAIN DECIDES TO TUNE OUT AROUND WEEK 4

Okay, so listen. Just listen for a second. Just look at this with your eyes and read what I'm writing to you: I don't brain real good. I mean, I feel like I do in a lot of situations, but I have noticed a tendency of my faculties to tune out if they are involved in a repetitive process. I would never make it as a factory worker, and I've come to accept that.


Comic by falseknees
Honk? Honk.

Marathon leagues are, if nothing else, a day of repetition. And around week 4 of a marathon league, I start losing that higher-level, think-about-what-you're-doing ability. Instead, I go on autopilot. I become a little goose inside a cockpit who can do nothing else but honk. Except the goose has only a "throw kinda bad" button and is hitting that thing hard.


I feel like this isn't a problem for someone who's really locked in the muscle memory of how to throw well. Point in fact, I think having that consistent, automatic throw is what makes marathon leagues really appealing to people who have that very thing figured out. But alas, I have not. And because I have not, the repetition gives my brain an opportunity to wander around my memory palace and do anything but be interested in what I'm trying to do.


I will say: the last marathon league I did, I expected and welcomed this happening. I did everything in my power to stay engaged, but lo, I could not. So instead, I just tried to have fun with the experience. And you know what that did for me? It put me in 18th place out of 20 throwers. BUT I didn't feel like a little sad boy because of it, and that's nice.


BEST/WORST NUMBER 2: BODIES ARE FICKLE

Friends, there are many of you who have never met me, and so this might come as a bit of a shock, compared to the mental image you carry of a strong, broad-shouldered, tall and handsome narrator that you may have.


Image of an american badger
It me.

I am a little, rotund creature. My body don't body so good. And without really getting into a sob story, I have a lot of good reasons to be gentle with this fleshsuit.


While marathon league isn't the most taxing thing to our mortal forms, it is still a long day to throw/walk/stand/whatever.


I find that in every marathon league I throw, I, at some point, feel like junk. This last Marathon? I had chub rub that took a week to recover from. AND IF YOU'VE NEVER HAD THAT, YOU CANNOT COMPREHEND HOW ANNOYINGLY PAINFUL IT IS.


And of course there are things one can do to make sure your body isn't super frustrated with you: perhaps in my case it's spanks and a barrel of baby powder, but once something on your body goes a bit south, it has the tendency to go VERY south.


There is an argument, here, that marathon leagues aren't the most welcoming thing for people who have physical limitations in general, but I'm trying to keep this light. Maybe that'll become one of my quarterly "actual reporting" posts later down the line.


Anyway, I think this is a minor "best/worst" as I've noticed most people in a marathon league are doing great the whole way through. But I'm not. Sweet summer child, I am suffering by noon.


BEST/WORST NUMBER 3: A GREAT WAY TO EXPERIMENT, A HORRIBLE WAY TO LEARN



axe throwers competing in a match
Throwers. Throwers Throwing.

Marathon leagues give you, potentially, a fertile ground to test out throws and equipment and technique that perhaps you haven't had the chance to explore. Point in fact, about halfway through my last marathon league, I decided to fiddle around with a pinch grip (instead of the sorta dart grip that I have now). And it was fun to have a bunch of matches in a row to do that experiment. BUT I can safely say I didn't learn if that change was good for me, or how to do it consistently.


One can look at marathons, I believe, as a chance to test stuff out. That is, if you don't necessarily care about how the league will affect your collins rating. Sure, you're spending a hundred bucks and some change, plus travel expenses potentially, to see if a new axe suits you - but what is this sport if not an elaborate way for us to lose money?


So experiment all you like at a marathon, but try to make it a point, after the tourney, to learn from the experiment. Try to lock in whatever you tested out and liked, you know?


A FINAL THOUGHT

Like I said at the beginning of this post: I realize marathon leagues are very popular, and will very much likely remain popular. People love 'em. And that's great. But I, myself, have a long way to go before I don't view them as a primary source of writing content and a secondary source of enjoying axe throwing.


If you, dear reader, who surely has a smarter brain and more experience making it through marathon league without falling apart, have any suggestions for me on how to make marathon leagues more "best" and less "worst," do let me know!







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