Calling all heroes – Tyler Seddon keeps winning everything, please send help!
Australia; home to some of the world’s deadliest creatures has recently uncovered a new apex predator, quickly gaining a villainous reputation in the land down under. The Multi-bladed “Lemillion” aka Tyler Seddon, was seen wreaking havoc at this year’s Asia Pacific Axe Throwing Championship (APATC); crushing hopes and dreams, upsetting numerous carts, and in dozens of tragic cases cutting short tournament runs, of incredible and promising axe throwers.
Pacific Region heroes in dauntless waves engaged with Lemillion round after round, chipping away at his defences, wearing down his resilience, only to have the beast return stronger and more determined, vanquishing all comers, and ghoulishly raising his freakishly long arms in victory.
DAY 1: A LONG EXPECTED BIG AXE
Big Axe
47 masters of the Big Axe confidently rode into battle, clamouring to face the tyrant. Giants of the Big Twig such as Hatchet, Solaire (praise him), Punkette and Prem Brulee, all tried and fell short, leaving Nic “Bomb Diggity” Price the task of taking him out.
In what will long be remembered in these parts as a Big Axe battle for the ages, the two went back and forth over seven rounds, without being able to best each other. In to the tie breaker we went, where it took no less than three clutches for Lemillion to finally find a chink in Bomb Diggity’s armour, and bury the last blade into his heart.
With that the first trophy was snatched up to be added to what I can only assume is Lemillion’s cave like lair in some mountain range in the Outback.
Skills
When the locals decided to form teams of “Skills” throwers to attack him, Lemillion formed a mob of his own he called the “Leftovers” to return fire. Such a name suggesting a zombie army of throwers stitched together from the remnants of former victims perhaps? We may never know.
Through a series of warlike challenges, Lemillion & company weaved some incredible shots, including one impossible deflection to backspin, to buried in the bullseye shot, proving once and for all some form of arcane witchcraft was afoot.
As the dust settled over the field of play, once more it revealed the villain of Oz had snatched victory alongside the Leftover body parts of Solaire, Double Tap, and Mor’Du, standing over the fallen valiant second place team of Dozer, Artogenus, Scurvy Dog, and Choking Hazard. RIP you brave knights.
DAY 2: A HATCHET IN THE DARK
Under 55
The previous day left everyone battered and bruised, yet they bravely returned to raise Axes once more. Protective glyphs were engaged around the battle fields this time, restricting Lemillion’s access. Under 55 average throwers limped in for an 8AM registration, and I can’t say for sure which part of that spell was the most effective at keeping the beast away, the average score cut off, or the obscenely early registration time; either way he wasn’t anywhere to be seen.
The Menace and Just Chris claiming equal 3rd, with Feisty Cuffs 2nd and Bedlam snagging top spot. So many great games, it was a source of much celebration to see that the future of the sport was well in hand, given the rising pool of talent clearly getting so much stronger, ready to ascend and be passed the baton in due course. It was the cause of much jubilation.
Doubles
It was perhaps due to this lightened mood that no one noticed the glyph had failed, and as the Kilderkin Doubles tournament began the horrific sight of the Chimeric “Lemester” (The preternatural fusion of Jester and Lemillion) wandered onto the field.
Thinking, breathing, moving as one fluid organism, this Good Cop / Bad Cop Top Deck of lethality struck fear into all who faced it. Well organised and coordinated combinations such as the great father / son Laskowski’s “Dynasty Warriors” and the “Sunbros” of Hatchete and Solaire (Praise him) despite coming close and each taking their pound of flesh, could not take “Lemester” down.
Almost in spite of ourselves though, as onlookers we clung to hope. A brash and extremely skilful duo stepped forward, surpassing even the incredible “T-Bomb” – a team consisting of Pacific royalty in the form of Bomb Diggity (our first Prem 81 scorer) and Tyrannosaurus Rax (Last years APATC champion).
“Froth & Fury” was the near flawlessly choreographed teaming of the mighty Stagger and the audacious Mor’Du. If any team could defeat “Lemester”, here they were. Defusing “T-Bomb” with three perfect rounds of 54 using party clutches, and an astounding perfect 10 on the big axe decider, their resume seemed littered with unrivalled qualifications.
A raucous crowd watched on, their collective hearts in their throats, as the first round went to “Froth & Fury.” The next three rounds took the wind from our sails though each going to “Lemester” earning them the lead, and stealing the momentum.
Willing our heroes on, we watched them claw back one more round, but sadly it just wasn’t enough in the end.
Perhaps the epic semi-final taking too heavy a toll, “Froth & Fury” were unable to take out the two-headed beast, and Lemillion walked away with another adornment for his Outback Cave.
Women’s / Non-binary
Thankfully while he was distracted by the shiny shiny, a crack team of Navy Seal wizards repaired and strengthened the protective spell, and expelled Lemillion from a newly declared battle field for a Women’s / Non-Binary tournament. 31 mighty Valkyries stepped forward, and a legendary festival of Axes ensued.
Some of the biggest names in the Region clashed in incredible head-to-head battles. Shrubbie, Tex, Saber, Ox, Lady Bacon, Mandalay, and Punkette to name a few.
Coming through all of these greats, and more the final combatants, Bone Saw from the A bracket, and event host / organizer Hatchet from the B bracket.
After more than five hours, the final stage was set, and double checking that neither was in fact Lemillion wearing a disguise, the battle began. No less than 10 rounds, at four minutes to midnight, with a stunning Big Axe Prem clutch Hatchet eeked out the win, with Bone Saw in 2nd, and friend of the Blog, Tex taking out 3rd. With that the day was done and Lemillion had been denied 2 sets of steak knives. Hopes were high he had gathered his last piece of APATC bling.
DAY 3: THE BATTLE OF CLUTCHENOR FIELDS
Open
Never trust a Wizard!
The battle field was once again open, and this time Open with a capital “O”.
Brandishing a hatchet Lemillion stood centre stage daring one and all to challenge him. 83 of the finest souls rose to the task, the most who had ever answered the call in the region. Cruising through a pool division into double elim territory, Lemillion looked unstoppable until he ran into the wildest of cards…Wildcard (Matt Evans) taking him out in 5 Rounds!!
The lustre was gone, blood had been drawn, and as Arnie taught us so well “if it bleeds, we can…” bandage it and keep going apparently. Ripping through the B bracket Lemillion still made it to the Grand Final to face off against Prem Brulee (Matt Brown).
Here was some pedigree to put fear into the beast. Here was a giant of the game, a legend in the Pacific. Regardless of outcome, this match-up would shake the very pillars of hell. Prem Brulee coming in as the A bracket thrower had the extra life, Lemillion would have to defeat him twice.
Right from the first round, nothing short of a 25 would be good enough to win, and in one case 27 was no guarantee either. three times in six rounds they were inseparable, needing to resort to tie breakers. Previously an Achilles heel for Lemillion, and a renowned strength for Prem Brulee, it was a sign of things to come that Lemillion took these two to one, helping him take the first “best of seven”, levelling the playing field. No more extra lives.
Rounds reset, along with our hopes of denying Lemillion one last prize. Some uncharacteristic slips started to occur in his game with missed clutches opening the door for his opponent. Unfortunately, Prem Brulee wasn’t able to capitalize, the weight and toll of all the previous rounds starting to show on him as well, as he too suffered the odd and hitherto unseen error.
Never more than two points away at the final throw, and still producing no less than four perfect 27’s, these legends went the full seven rounds where on the fourth throw the fickle hand of fate turned in Lemillion’s favour, changing what looked to be a two-point advantage to Prem Brulee into a two-point advantage the other way. Somehow the perfect tip in for Brownie had bled up into a three, and Lemillion’s axe found an extra coat of paint to the side of the bullseye holding on for a five. With those extra two points, Lemillion’s touch clutch meant only a Prem would save us all, but landing a couple of millimetres to the left Brulee’s final axe left him those two fateful points short, and once again the Pacific Region’s no.1 villain raised his hands and took the win.
I CAN’T THINK OF HOW TO TIE A LoTR CHAPTER TITLE IN HERE. MAYBE “THE DOWN UNDER HAVENS”? I DON’T KNOW.
This extended description of the terror from down under, is a clarion call to the Northern Hemisphere.
We have our share of heroes -- everyone is working on improving, and there’s every chance we’ll get him next year, but gosh how we’d really appreciate some help.
Send your best, come and bring your secret weapons, your strange far-off techniques and stand beside us to bring Lemillion down once and for all. We’re not greedy down here, there’s enough villain in Lemillion to go around, come fill your boots. Fancy yourself a slinger of the Big Axe, do you have a Skills posse you can rely on, are you the best duo on the planet? We will welcome you with open arms, and if you beat him, hold you aloft as heroes, and sing songs of your exploits for years to come.
Quick disclaimer – Lemillion (Tyler Seddon) may actually be a nice guy, who is just playing the part of villain, our research was unable to find out conclusively.
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