All year long, little axe-kins have been watering boards without asking, offering up chalk to those in need and giving the benefit-of-the-doubt on questionable science calls all to make sure that ol' Saint Clutchy put them down on the "nice" side of the waiver form.
And now, all that work can finally start paying off.
Yep - it's CLUTCHMISS '24!
Now, you may be asking yourself: "self, it's not 12 days to Christmas, yet. Why is this goober saying Dec 12 is the start of his retrofitted holiday?" Great question: first, I'm very impatient. Second: this isn't just a redux of the 12 days of Christmas. Well - it's Clutchmiss. Totally different. While it has some of the trappings of the Christian cultural holiday, it's been created by a little, round Jewish fellow who doesn't abide by limiting anything by anything else. This is a holiday for axe throwers of all types, so there.
Hooray! What is Clutchmiss?
Clutchmiss is a multi-religious, multi-cultural celebration of the (axe-throwing) season. It celebrates everything that makes axe throwing fun and goofy and lovely, all within the confines of a holiday that I made up strictly because I thought of "Clutchmiss" and didn't want to waste the opportunity.
How do we celebrate?
The traditions of Clutchmiss are as old and varied as the sport it was birthed from. So like, under a decade or so.
Seeing as this is day 1, we should probably start with one of the most important elements of the festivities: where to get presents for your little clutchkins. Here are my suggestions, direct from ol' Saint Clutchy's workshop:
WHO | WHAT TO GET | LINK |
An Axe League of Their Own | Tee shirts, Pennants, Koozies, patches and hoodies - and a chance to send money along to give the gift of throwing to femmes in the sport! | |
Axe Supplies | Clothes, stencils, things to throw and things to laugh at. | |
Love and Axes | So many things! jewelry, pins, tees, ornaments and more. | |
Here. The Axe Badger Shop | Mostly tees/sweatshirts, but there's some other nonsense in there, too. |
I'm positive there are many more places to find presents for folks, so feel free to drop them in the comments with a link so we can support/find last minute gifts!
Other ways to celebrate include:
Shouting "HAPPY CLUTCHMISS" every time you miss your clutch from Dec 12 - Dec 23.
Putting out your offering to ol' Saint Clutchy (more below)
Singing traditional Cluchmiss songs (coming up right after this, if you don't remember)
Giving your fellow throwers little gifts during league nights and tourneys - like drinks, snacks, or un-warranted compliments.
Decorating targets
I dunno....A bonfire of used up boards? That seems on brand.
Whatever else you want. Everything is a Clutchmiss tradition during Clutchmiss.
And what do we sing?
So glad you asked! Clutchmiss has a number of festive, delightful songs. Why, we all remember the 12 days of Clutchmiss classic, right? Let's sing together!
On the first day of Clutchmiss my axe coach gave to me, A premier five that should have been a three.
On the second day of Clutchmiss my axe coach gave to me, Two new axe names, and a premier five that should have been a three.
On the third day of Clutchmiss my axe coach gave to me, three dumb drops, Two new axe names,
and a premier five that should have been a three.
On the fourth day of Clutchmiss my axe coach gave to me,
Four battle vests, three dumb drops,
Two new axe names,
and a premier five that should have been a three.
On the fifth day of Clutchmiss my axe coach gave to me,
FIVE JELL-O SHOTS!
Four battle vests,
three dumb drops,
Two new axe names,
and a premier five that should have been a three.
On the sixth day of Clutchmiss my axe coach gave to me,
Six tourney weekends,
FIVE JELL-O SHOTS!
Four battle vests,
three dumb drops,
Two new axe names,
and a premier five that should have been a three.
On the seventh day of Clutchmiss my axe coach gave to me,
Seven throwers heckling,
Six tourney weekends,
FIVE JELL-O SHOTS!
Four battle vests,
three dumb drops,
Two new axe names,
and a premier five that should have been a three.
On the eighth day of Clutchmiss my axe coach gave to me,
Eight shitty pen lines, Seven throwers heckling,
Six tourney weekends,
FIVE JELL-O SHOTS!
Four battle vests,
three dumb drops,
Two new axe names,
and a premier five that should have been a three.
On the ninth day of Clutchmiss my axe coach gave to me,
Nine AxeScore errors, Eight shitty pen lines,
Seven throwers heckling,
Six tourney weekends,
FIVE JELL-O SHOTS!
Four battle vests,
three dumb drops,
Two new axe names,
and a premier five that should have been a three.
On the tenth day of Clutchmiss my axe coach gave to me,
Ten no-show leaguers,
Nine AxeScore errors,
Eight shitty pen lines,
Seven throwers heckling,
Six tourney weekends,
FIVE JELL-O SHOTS!
Four battle vests,
three dumb drops,
Two new axe names,
and a premier five that should have been a three.
On the tenth day of Clutchmiss my axe coach gave to me,
Eleven pricey hatchets,
Ten no-show leaguers,
Nine AxeScore errors,
Eight shitty pen lines,
Seven throwers heckling,
Six tourney weekends,
FIVE JELL-O SHOTS!
Four battle vests,
three dumb drops,
Two new axe names,
and a premier five that should have been a three.
On the twelfth day of Clutchmiss my axe coach gave to me,
Twelve 81 coins,
Eleven pricey hatchets,
Ten no-show leaguers,
Nine AxeScore errors,
Eight shitty pen lines,
Seven throwers heckling,
Six tourney weekends,
FIVE JELL-O SHOTS!
Four battle vests,
three dumb drops,
Two new axe names,
and a premier five that should have been a three.
Who do we make sacrifices - er - festive offerings to?
The spirit of the season is embodied in that jolly old Saint Clutchy, of course. As such, throwers who want to fully participate in the holiday need only put a pack of cigarettes and a couple of board splinters (if they are from a clutch, all the better) on a crushed can of PBR, and Saint Clutchy will visit your axe house!
Make sure your venue owner keeps the bathroom door unlocked, as Clutchy typically enters axe houses through the toilet pipe, bringing festive joy and a lingering smell of cigarette ash everywhere he goes.
In return (that is, is St. Clutchmiss accepts your offering), you can expect to hit at least 1 more clutch than you normally hit all year. AND, at least twice during the coming year, someone will nod appreciatively and say "oh, nice" to your throw. WHAT A GIFT!
Keep a lookout for other Clutchmiss missives for the next 12 days. I really don't have any idea what I'll be posting as, again, this is all coming from me thinking of "Clutchmiss" and wanting to use it, but we'll see what holiday magic I can pull out of my axe bag.
MERRY CLUTCHMISS TO ALL!
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