In a startling about face, the IATF has recently announced the debate about Premier vs. Touch Clutch vs. Standard is over: every goddamn thing counts as points.
Appearing on a front porch (not hers) and wearing a bath robe from whatever the Toronto version of Motel 6 is, the IATF commissioner announced the new ruling to a handful of IATF throwers, ESPN 16 (The Quinceañera), and a goose who seems to really be into joining a league. While the announcement was expected to be well attended, it turns out the majority of throwers who expressed interest just weeks before discovered they had other obligations that they totally forgot about, and failed to show.
"Listen. We know what our community wants. And what they want are points. To help grow the sport and spend less time arguing over pen lines, we've decided to cut to the chase. With this new, innovative system, everything is points," the commissioner said.
When asked about what exactly she meant, she pointed at a nearby billboard, made finger guns, and said "that's...fuggin like what...3 points right there."
Asked to clarify, the commissioner added, "That question is a bullseye. Five point question for sure."
With this big change, IATF members can expect to see an exponential gain of points per round, as scoring areas now include areas of the target traditionally scored a zero, the entire lane floor, and the thought of throwing an axe (which now counts for 3.14 points).
As part of this announcement, the IATF also shared points can now be harvested even outside of league or tournament, unveiling a new update to the Collins rating in hopes of making that system more functional and sensible for the average thrower.
"The Collins rating has been unwieldy at best, and nobody understands how it works, really," an IATF spokesperson told our reporting team. "So we've updated it to be a separate, companion app to Axescores. IATF throwers can now walk around their neighborhoods and cities to "catch" points by throwing a virtual "device" at them. We call it Point-e-guy.
IATF throwers can use "captured" points during any match, the spokesperson explained, by "releasing" the points to battle another thrower's captured "Point-e" points. Regardless of the outcome, both throwers will gain 100 points in the match.
So far, thrower reception of the new points plan is mixed. Most throwers are still trying to understand how to calculate points during a match now that a max total could be 312, while others are simply trying to roll with the new point system.
2 points for Hufflepuff!!! 🦡