Hey Gang, I Donked This Axe League Real Bad. That's Okay.

PERCEPTION, REALITY, AND THE FRUSTRATION OF KNOWING JUST ENOUGH.

Well, dear readers, I want to admit something to you all: I kinda failed myself during the Wednesday night league (we still have the 7th week and the tourney, but I know it. In my bones I know it).

I started this league with high hopes. My throw was improving, I went to IATC (didn't do well there, but that was kinda expected), I was confident and enjoying the sport -- I felt all the things those motivational posters from our high-school guidance councilor's office tell us to feel.

I STARTED THINKING ABOUT WHAT I SHOULD BE DOING TOO MUCH.

The thing is this: After IATC--where I was surrounded by so many really great throwers, I started thinking A LOT about my own technique. Sure, I'm running a blog that's all about tips and tricks and suggestions and advice you could have heard first from AALOTO, but for whatever reason it all became so much more important to me during this league.

So instead of just throwing how I'm comfortable throwing, I started trying to integrate several changes all at once. Things like:

• Keeping my axe straight when drawing my arm back to throw (my partner recorded my throw and I noticed my axe was basically flat across my shoulderblades before I straightened it out in the forward-throwing motion. Which seems/seemed very bad to me).

• Keeping my posture more upright while throwing

• Focusing on the arc of my throw

and probably a few more things I can't think of whilst sitting in front of a computer OH WAIT I REMEMBER NOW:

• How poor my big axe game is

• Getting clutches more reliably/consistently

Okay, I think that's it.

Anyway, after IATC (and maybe a bit before it) I was trying to really improve how I throw, and a lot of that meant experimenting with my throwing during this league -- because I can't afford lane time outside of league nights, and I'm also a person with a rich and busy life outside of axe throwing. Which hurts to admit.

PERCEPTION

Because of all my experimentation and attempting-something-new-ness, I felt very unmoored during this league. I felt zero confidence in my throw/in my ability to win matches/in myself. And that meant I was losing a lot of matches where I thought I had a good chance of winning. Do that enough times and you begin to doubt your ability to really perform well in axe throwing. At least, I feel that way at times.

Now, I try to ignore AxeScores.com as much as I can while in a league - short of seeing who I'm gonna throw against any given Wednesday or when I'm desperate for content and want to write some bullshit about "why your clutch percentage is the best way to determine your love connection" or whatever. So my perception of my performance this league, overall, was one of a long, loud fart noise made by a person's mouth.

REALITY

This morning I looked at standings for this league:

4th place, overall. Again, this is only after we completed week 6, and there are a few makeup matches to be had (so I might drop down lower, of course), but I couldn't believe I was at 4th. I FELT like I was in the bottom third of the league. I FELT like I was throwing away every match because I was more focused on going through a series of check-boxes for each and every throw.

Which led me to my big question/realization/reminder: What am I doing any of this for?

FRUSTRATION.

Wait, wait. After asking that question, starting with a subhead that reads "FRUSTRATION" gives off the wrong feel. Lemme try again:

FRUSTRATION IS THE ENEMY OF FUN.

Ah, there we go.

I'm throwing/joining leagues/going to tourneys because this is all supposed to be a fun way to escape the nightmare that is existence. The only way I "lose" is by letting the fun thing become a frustrating thing.

Where I donked it this league was getting so into my own head about winning or losing - or becoming more like the greats in the sport - that I forgot to just have fun. I don't wanna give you the impression that I'm not interested in becoming better. I truly do want to continually improve - but not at the expense of having a good time and making new connections with people I care about.

In short, I became so focused on the frustration of not doing as well as I thought I should do, that I ignored the success I was having - and the reason I started doing this whole dingdang thing in the first place.

So maybe this league is a continuation of my "Badger in 5th place" record, and maybe I'll do even worse - but the truth of the matter is that I'm doing a lot better than I think I am. So long as I can get over the idea that I need to be improving all the time, or that I need to take this seriously (like, why? It's a goofy thing. Just enjoy it, me), I think I'll be able to accept a donked season for what it is.

And what it is, hopefully, is fun.