The newest packet of rules updates may seem fairly straight forward on casual glance: a new touch clutch for Premier, clarifications on rules around big axe clutch attempts and how qualifying works.
But on a deeper read, there is a malicious intent. There is a secret agenda that we (I) here at The Axe Badger have uncovered. Thanks to some investigative reporting and late night phone conversations with "contacts" in the deep-state of IATF, I've come to realize the new rules are, in fact, going to change a fundamental element of the sport:
WHAT HAND SIGNALS DO YOU USE FOR A PREMIER OR TOUCH-CLUTCH IN PREMIER MATCHES?!
You thought you could get away with it, didn't you, IATF? You THOUGHT I wouldn't pick up on the subversive, league-destroying plan you hatched and hid, like a fresh, baby-faced cobra in your new rules?!
Well, worry not, because I have suggestions:
OPTION 1: INTERPRETIVE DANCE HANDS
Do you have the soul of a dancer? Do you lack the opportunity to let your groovy-moves show themselves at the axe house? Worry not. Through the art of dance hands, you'll be able to tell the scorekeep what you got with style.
With this hand signal, you are kinda doing the Charleston with both hands, forming a box shape. The box easily shows that you hit the Premier clutch.
I suppose you could still just show a 5 with all your fingers, if you still have 5 fingers, to show that you missed the Premier clutch. Boring, but effective.
OPTION 2: MUTATION
Axe throwers are adaptive. We make due with what we have, or craft what we need. Truly, we embody the idea that "survival of the fittest" should be more like "survival of the craftiest." So my humble suggestion is that, given time, axe throwers will evolve to account for indicating a Premier Clutch or a touch clutch:
OPTION 3: THE OBVIOUS
You hit the Premier clutch:
You did not:
I hope this handy (hahahaahahaAHAHAHAAAA) guide helps beleaguered (wow I can't stop!) leaguers when it comes to beating the IATF at their own game. Remember, we'll get through this together. Only time will tell what other sport-ending changes the organizing body will attempt.
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