The IATF has worked dilligently to create a sport that is fair, balanced, and fun for everyone who hucks an axe. But you're not here to have fair, balanced fun. You're here to WIN and to WIN you need to FIGURE OUT HOW TO OUT SMART THE IATF. The capped italics let you know I'm serious.
To fight the rules, we first must understand the rules. I'll be going through a few of them here, and sharing my well-researched, completely feesible workarounds.
NOTE: these are the ideas and techniques that the IATF doesn't want you to know about. But I'm not scared to share them. I'm a free, independent thinker who doesn't play by the rules!
AVOID HITTING HANDLE FIRST WITH THIS SIMPLE HACK!
Sure, you could just change your starting position to get the right angle on your throw, but that's for losers who don't think like champions. Through my deep-web research I was able to find this little known rule about axe handles in IATF league/tourney throwing:
Thinking outside the clutch, like a champion, I realized that the IATF rules don't say anything about the shape of your handle. CHECK MATE, IATF!
So here's what you could do to UP YOUR HANDLE RIZZ and THROW LIKE A CHAMPION!
With this advanced design, you no longer need to worry about the axe handle hitting the board! It still meets all the requirements for the axe handle specifications! HA! GOTCHA, IATF!
GET AROUND THE ONE STEP RULE WITH THIS SIMPLE TRICK!
The IATF, for some nefarious reason, won't let throwers just walk up to the red line and throw. The one step rule is one that, in my opinion, ruins the spirit of the game. That spirit being, of course, my desire to walk a lot.
We put our best minds on the task of how to get around this steppy problem and we cracked the code: Heelys.
Zero steps. Any throwing position.
I realize this might be a hard one to visualize, so the folks down at the Axe Badger R&D department put together an example (axe-ample? Is that anything?) of what it would look like:
As you can see by our test subject, the Heelys allow you to keep your feet in any position before the throw, resulting in, at most, one step to get yourself up to the red line. YOU CAN'T OVERSTEP IF YOU NEVER TAKE A STEP, IATF.
THE ONE TRICK IATF DOESN'T WANT YOU TO KNOW
There is one HUGE problem with axe throwing: making sure your axe sticks to the board. Sure, you could practice (like a chump) and manage to do it the way IATF wants you to, but why go through all that effort when you can think with your human brain?
I present to you, the central solenoid - a magnet able to generate a magnetic field 280,000 times stronger than the Earth's.
Just slip this bad boy behind your lane before each round and you're guaranteed to get the axe to stick. And your keys. And probably your fillings and any cars within a five mile radius.
BUT the IATF has no rules against using a nearly 60-foot-tall magnet while axe throwing, so you're in the clear!
I'll leave you with this before regional IATF operatives break down my front door to take me away to axe jail: don't let big-axe tell you what rules to follow. You're smarter than them. Don't be sheep! Be...I dunno...ungovernable raccoons!
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