An Exclusive Report: What axe throwing is missing.

By guest writer, Amy "Pebbles" Hudson

I’ve never been that into sports. As a ginger living in Australia, outside wasn’t a fun place for me. My father, desperate to get me to be interested in anything other than puppets, quickly realised the way to get me interested, mascots, and so my obsession with giant weirdos was born.

Imagine my disappointment to discover when I finally started participating in a sport it didn't even have mascots. Sure some people have individual characters to represent them, but there’s no giant costumed characters getting around to entertain the crowd while a board is getting changed, an axe is getting measured, or while you’re trying to find a thrower who has managed to disappear off the face of the earth before their game. again.

So I’ve taken it upon myself to come up with some options, but first things first, there’s three things you need to make a primo mascot:

Number 1: They gotta look a little weird.

The mascots that you remember are the ones that look a little wild. Kingsley, the mascot for the Scottish football team Partick Thistle was described in 2015 as “utterly terrifying”. The monobrowed star with human legs that will certainly haunt your dreams. Another example, King Cake Baby of the New Orleans Pelicans. From my understanding it only appears around Mardi Gras and is “very New Orleans”. Which means I’m absolutely never going there.

Number 2: They gotta act a little weird.

Japan is absolutely mental for mascots. Not just for sports but for places, events, regions, whatever you can think of. One of which is Chittan, a “0-year-old fairy baby” otter with a turtle as a hat whose status as the unofficially representative of the city of Susaki is … complex. Chiitan received a number of complaints from violent videos uploaded of the mascot. I’d argue though that in other cities in the world this get you into the mascot hall of fame (*cough*Philly*cough*).

Number 3: Their soulless eyes need to doubt the existence of reality itself.

Clancy is Australia's least recognisable mascot and they know it. Clancy is the mascot for the Sydney Cricket Ground, Clancy is a clock, Clancy is dead inside and you can tell.

But who is the best mascot?

If you have spent more than 30 seconds with me you’ll already know this but there is one mascot made to rule them all, the NHL Philadelphia Flyers Mascot Gritty. I got to meet Gritty while in the US for Choptober and many friends and family agreed that this was the happiest they’ve ever seen me.

So obviously, axe throwing needs a mascot, and I have an AI image generation subscription and too many ideas.

 My suggestions for an axe throwing mascot:

	Name: Jack the Ripper Board Origin: A discarded board with too many knots emerged from the dumpster with a vengeance. Personality: Furious, vengeful, and incredibly strong. He's constantly seething with anger and ready to unleash his fury on anyone who disrespects the art of axe throwing. Backstory: His spirit, consumed by rage and unfinished business, was bound to the axe throwing venue. Now, he haunts the place, his presence felt by all who dare to enter. He tests the skill and courage of each thrower, and those who fail to impress him risk feeling the full force of his wrath.
Name: Randy Origin: Originally a normal raccoon, a near-death experience involving an axe meant he was imbued with a strange energy that transformed him into a half-raccoon, half-axe-wielding warrior. Personality: He loves to show off his skills with an axe but does get distracted from flirting with the throwers. Backstory: Randy was just a regular raccoon, living a simple life in the woods. One day, he stumbled upon some axe throwers. Fascinated by the sport, he tried it out, but his aim was terrible. Frustrated, he threw his axe in anger, and struck a nearby power line. This sudden surge of energy transformed Randy, giving him enhanced strength, agility, and a love for all things sharp.
	Name: Bones Origin: Once a human who loved the thrill of axe throwing. His spirit refused to leave the venue, he found solace in the sport he loved. Personality: Despite his intimidating appearance, Bones is always eager to help new throwers and offers words of encouragement. Backstory: Bones was known for his friendly demeanour and his ability to teach others. One fateful day, an accident claimed his life, but his spirit refused to leave the place he loved. Instead, he was reborn as a skeletal being, forever tied to the venue. Now, he spends his days watching over the throwers, offering guidance and support.
Name: Axe Badger Origin: Axe Badger Personality: Axe Badger Backstory: Axe Badger

Thanks to Pebbles for this important, valuable submission to The Axe Badger. Honest to goodness, it's exactly what I needed in my life.