I am not a naturally competitive person. I enjoy being good at something, but not because it makes me better at "it" more than anyone else. This was, in my experience, one of the reasons I didn't do terribly well in team sports whilst in high school: I just wanted everyone to have fun. It worked out a little better in my beer league sports adventures, particularly bike polo, where the point was to have fun, more or less.
But the thing that I do get hung up on is when I under-perform unto myself. I like doing well, and when I don't do well, I get very low on myself. Particularly when I've done well in the past at the same thing.
Now, I don't want to come off as bragging (which I think I'm safe from, because this isn't really much of an achievement in axe throwing), but I do alright in my leagues. I am in the top 15% of throwers, and I typically place in the top 5 for tourneys. But last week started our fall league at the meadery, and I did not do well.
Notably, I did effing badly. Losing 3 out of 4 matches isn't really typical for me, and the feeling of not doing well enough lingered for days.
Listen, I think it's fair to say that the majority of axe throwers are playing this sport because it's fun, and because it's a nice break from parts of our lives that, you know, actually matter. Axe throwing is a hobby. It's a way to spend time with other people, have a few laughs, and get a sense of achievement in an otherwise useless ability (unless the apocalypse comes and our axe-throwing abilities turn into really important life skills. So long as the zombies/aliens/ancient terrors stand at a certain distance and don't move while we take aim).
But it's difficult to keep that "this doesn't really matter" attitude in mind when one is used to doing pretty well, and then does not. It's kinda crushing, and I was certainly feeling deflated by the end of the night. And the next few days, to be honest.
When I got to thinking about it, I decided a few things about my downturn that week, and about what I needed to shift in my thinking.
I could decide that this is a non-serious league for me, and I should just have as much fun without even considering how I'm doing overall.
I could practice more regularly, and sharpen up my skillset.
It was a fluke?
I've reached a plateau and this is simply as good as I'm gonna get.
Out of all those options, I decided that while #1 was the most tempting, and #4 was the most self-pitying (and therefore the most tempting to accept), option 2 was the best course.
Because here's the thing - maybe I won't get better. Maybe I'm in a league with a bunch of slayers. But if that's true, then I have that rare opportunity to continue to grow as a thrower as if I'm absolutely new to the sport.
The conclusion I came to, and maybe this is helpful to anyone who's also experiencing the same frustration, is how the growth of my skill in axe throwing isn't linear. It's all over the damned place. Week 1, I was not throwing well. Week 2, I did much better. Who knows what this week will hold (though, looking at who I'm throwing against, it will likely look a lot like Week 1).
Whatever the result, though, I am certainly reminded I have a long way to go before I'm locked-in solid at throwing like many of my meadery cohort. And that's alright. It'd be miserable if I was at the best point in my axe throwing career with only two years under my belt. So while the tough-break week hurt, and the next several will be frustrating, I hope to keep in mind that it's all part of learning and getting better. Or at least learning how to be a little less thin-skinned about not doing as well as I would like.
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